she spent hours and days unraveling you. she knelt down and dug out space all around you. at first just a little, then each day a little bit more, so that you had some room; to stretch out, to breath.
you didn’t want it, maybe didn’t know what to do with it. you stayed twisted at the knees, you ignored the extra space and were full of blank stares. the only sounds you made were when you cried, you cried so much.
she waited for you patiently and though you weren’t sure why, you kept returning, you likely saw a bit of the magic and beauty in it. she told you about her night swims, and her mistakes, even her regrets and it became easier. you started to use up a bit of the space she had given you. you started getting there on time. you wept less and spoke more, and then it was her turn to get quiet.
sometimes you let yourself go to someone, even when you aren’t sure at that moment why. they reach out to you and eventually you take their hand, then you climb up on to their shoulders. you listen to the sound of their breathing and you start to breath the way they do. it feels good to be in someone else’s skin. you would give anything to have it back for one.more.day.
you feel the wind on your face more now than you did when you were with her, you didn’t know it then but it’s clear now that she was shielding you, not forever but just till you were a bit stronger. until you could breath on your own.
you will always remember her, each and every day. every time you see The New Yorker, or peonies, or when a place smells like her place- the place you used to go, where you learned to take off your skin. but mostly you will remember all that was her; her voice, her smile, the way she stretched out and rolled her wrists. how she pushed you and pulled you. how she took a lot of your pain away. how lucky you were to have her while you did. how you will never again have someone do for you what she could.
now you try to make her proud of you, you play the memories out, ask yourself what she would think, what she would say, how she would say it, now it’s about how you would give anything hear her voice, even on days when you are sure you can feel her close to you, actually, mostly on those days.
